The official site of Nuke the Whales International with offices in Denmark, Sweden, New Zealand, Canada, and Venezuela.

Mortimer Snert and the New Fents

It was a Titanic day in the neighbourhood when Mortimer Snert ventured out into his backyard. Mort did not do this very often, basically he ignored the back yard, not having children or dogs or such likes. So the back yard went essentially unkempt. Oh sure, Mort mowed it once or twice a year, but other than that, it had the appeal of an abandoned mine field. So it was with great trepidation that Mort uncovered the back door to the kitchen and blundered out onto the porch.

Three things were immediately apparent to him. The first being that the back porch had termites, which was evidenced by the fact that it collapsed out from under him on the second step out the door, the second was that he was in desperate need of cutting the grass, and the third was the fact that the back fence was no longer there. The first two things didn't really concern Mort, he never had really appreciated the back porch anyway, and the fact that it had termites was but a good reason to get rid of it and make a real one.

The grass was no big deal, either. Mort hated grass and grass cutting. Especially in the back yard. It had some of the most unruly grass Mort had ever seen. Coupled with the fact that he had some of the best topsoil he had ever seen, this produced world class weeds. In fact, Mort's yard could grow weeds the likes of which had never been seen since Cain and Abel.

The fence, however, did irritate him. He had personally installed it shortly after he had moved in and noticed the fence which was origionally there had bit the dirt. Now we have to admit that the origional fence was indeed not much of a fence. It was made of rejected cross arms off of telephone poles and railroad ties. So Mort had cleared all that out and gone to the lumber yard and purchased the green pressure treated fence post thingys and some green 2x4s and had obtained a bit of fence boards from his dad.

Assembling the thing had been quite a project. He had borrowed the motorised post hole digger thingy, and had blasted holes in the dirt, set the poles, and put the fence together. And assumed it would last forever. Well, it didn't. The poles for some reason rotted off at ground level one by one, and one fine day, the whole thing took a dive. Mort was rather unimpressed with the whole thing. If you couldn't trust the nice green enviornmentally friendly fence posts, what could you trust.

It was at this time that Mort's agricultural background kicked in. Armed with his trusty pickup truck, he paid a visit to the local co-op. There he purchased a handful of the nasty creosote covered fence posts. These Mort knew would last forever. His dad had some that were almost as old as he was, and they were still going strong.

Heading back to town, Mort unloaded the posts in the garage. Where he discovered a cat factory. Now Mort did not normally mind cats, but cat factories were an entirely different story. Especially after having had one invade his house a couple of years ago. Mort at this time decided to ignore the cat factory and hope it would go away.

The next thing he would have to do would be to clear away the remains of the old fence. Armed with the wireless drill, Mort dismantled the old fence in record time. Loading it in the back of the truck, he hauled it off to the dump. Returning home, he decided the next thing that needed to happen was the trees in the back yard needed to be trimmed.

Four truckloads later the trees were at least manageable. Next he decided to kill the weeds, so heading to the local lumber yard, Mort purchaced 5 gallons of kill-'em-dead weed spray. Soaking the back yard, he waited for results. Well, it didn't take too long for the weeds to keel over, since the outside temperature was well above 100f.

Now Mort was ready to install the new fence. Getting out the string, he made a straight line to follow for the posts. Next he dug out the motorised post hole digger thingy. Which refused to start. Mort worked with it for several hours before finally deciding that it would be easier to dig the holes by hand than screw with the motor. So, resurrecting the hand powered post hole diggers, Mort set to work.

Now being the middle of august, and not having had rain for quite some time, made the process of digging post holes by hand quite an ordeal. It was, in fact, like digging post holes in an asphault parking lot. Finally, he got all the holes dug and the posts set, and the stringers attached to the posts. The only thing left was to find some nice fence boards and attach them to the stringers.

Heading inside, he decided to call the lumber yards and see about boards. Picking up the phone, he discovered that it was quite dead. Great, thought Mort. Then it occurred to him that the stupid phone had worked that morning before he had dug the post holes, and now it didn't. This funny feeling settled into his stomach. This was certainly no coincidence. Oh well, he decided, he was tired of being pestered by telephone sales persons anyhow.

So it was off to the lumber yard to get the boards and 4 boxes of screws. Back to the house he came, and spent the next day installing the boards. Finally the new fence was done. Mort was proud of himself. Now all he needed to do was rent the rototiller and re-seed the back yard. But that would be another day and another story.